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the revenge- 1

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1 the revenge- 1 on Thu Jan 24, 2008 2:06 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
"to think i use to hate fighting now i cant get enough of it" "hey you get down here"a strange and unknown voice called from afar.youkai still abit tired from his nap open his eyes to see a demon covered in darkness"well look at this i didnt have to go looking for you."youkai said still getting up "how dare you betray us"the demon said "betray you i dont know what your talking about." said youkai with a bit of confuseing in his voice"ha well dont tell me you forgot that you saved a pathic human."said the demon now atarting to generate a ball of darkness"good i see your not gonna run for attacking and killing my family."said youkai now angered filled his voice.the demon attack with blinding speed and hit youkai in the chest"uh......no wonder you were able to defeat my family so easily but i wont be defeated so easily."youkai starting to get up and had to act quickly or else he was going to get hit with another devastating attack."what is that?"the demon ask shock and couldnt believe that his attack was stop"that was a flame barrier that my brother taugh me when i was young."youkai fired the barrier at the demon and the demon disappear"do you honestly think you can catch me.escpally with the slient steps tecnique that i copy from your father during our fight that night he died."youkai extremely angered by the words of the demon decided not to go easy on him and end his life immediate "thats enough out of you.too bad for you i am way faster then the slient step tecnique.its time you pay for slaughering my family"youkai disappear as the demon did before but in stead of use one of his fire attacks he ended the demon with the swords that his father gave him"well done for.....defeating me.....if you want....to know who pay me for killing your family....go to the northern mountains of Several ....there you'll find him in a cave.....he is pretty weird but he does pay well..... youkai just left the demon to die and setted out



this is the first stories that i wrote so please comment me if you read this story.sorry i couldnt post this earlyer the computer didnt want to work.



Last edited by youkai on Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

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2 Re: the revenge- 1 on Thu Jan 24, 2008 3:59 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
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Here's things to consider, how was youkai able to kill a demon his father wasn't able to do? I mean they are all demons, isn't the older the strongest in power... I'd say to extend the battle or not kill of that demon but still have him/her say that at the end. youkai will have purpose in life to avenge his family but how did youkai knew who killed them?

Aside from that and the grammar... it's pretty good, the choice of words, the dialouge with quotes, the situation could be well picture except there is no setting about the surrondings... where were they fighting??? And also who could that person be at Northen Mountains? They are huge rocky mountains and are very hard to climb or even find an specific cave...


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"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

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3 Re: the revenge- 1 on Sat Jan 26, 2008 5:54 am

Woot Woot good mike kaep going btw talk about ur past


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4 Re: the revenge- 1 on Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:58 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
yea..
i should have taken more time with that...
thanks for the honesty though..........now i know what to improve on ^ ^
ill edit it soon.but its kinda annoying writing on the phyc and people are getting jumped recently so the teachers made every one get out of the school at the same time.0_o so no school computer.................

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