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the trap-3

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1 the trap-3 on Mon Feb 18, 2008 6:51 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
''look at him.that pathetic demon unaware that his life is about to end''. a voice that probably would have scared anyone if caught off guard.youkai unaware of the approaching treat was walking think bout the time when his swords first talk to him.(flash back)''uh.......so it wasn't a dream my family did die(crying)damn....it" 'youkai stop crying and listen to me' a mysterious voice said completely shocking youkai and made him pick up his swords ready to attack anything that moved.''hey youkai calm down its me your sword.'' youkai still shocked try to talk but couldn't talk 'don't worry youkai if you want to get stronger then listening to and do everything i said.'' (flash back over)"man ever since that day i have gotten stronger but it feels as if theres something missing.'' just then while youkai was thinking on what was missing he hear a noise so youkai spun around and was about to draw his swords when a little girl showed up.youkai shocked that he almost attacked a little girl,damn he though to himself.'please help me i'm beening chase,someone help me please.' youkai took a look behind the little girl and notice something moving but he couldn't tell what it was but he didn't care so he took out one of his swords and attacked it but miss.the mysterious creature had changed shape and attacked him back.youkai couldn't dodge so blocked but was send flying back.when he stop he looked up and he couldn't see the strange creature anymore but he did see the little girl.'umm thank you. my name is D. nice to meet you.''said d. 'why was that thing chasing you" youkai demanded 'um i don't know ' said that the little girl now terrified. youkai decided to help the kid but little did he know that kid that that kid will be the reason why he will get attack and learn the truth to what happen that night his family was slaughter.

''night came and still that thing haven't came back.'' said youkai 'so your brother was right you are still a live.youkai shocked because of what the man in front of him said that he forgot that he was surrounded"hey mister you still there"said D. youkai snap out of his shock "hey D. get down NOW!!!!!" said youkai"um o...ok' "flame cannon"shouted youkai hoping to clear the area.just then a net fell over youkai and D. "active the net" said the man just then in a flash of light both youkai and D. were electrocuted. both youkai and D. were knocked unconsciousness. 'well too bad we couldn't spend more time together but oh well." said the man before youkai fell right before youkai fell out. when youkai awoke D. was still next to him but there was one problem "well are we.....



Last edited by youkai on Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:13 pm; edited 2 times in total

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2 Re: the trap-3 on Mon Feb 18, 2008 6:52 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
how i do

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3 Re: the trap-3 on Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:53 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
It sounds like betrayal! I wonder who that D. is and that creature that vanished, were did it go?_?

This isn't done rite? So far is good though, except with a few grammar issues but is still readable ^-^


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"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
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4 Re: the trap-3 on Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:56 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
oh its no where near done

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5 Re: the trap-3 on Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:58 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
I thought so...


_________________
"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
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6 Re: the trap-3 on Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:53 am

Clash011

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Mercenary
Can you make the description of the creature a little more clear
and change your method of writing its kinda confusing .
?_?
Does are just tips to improve the story other than that it was pretty good.
^-^


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7 Re: the trap-3 on Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:36 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
I don't see what he got to change except for seperating stuff... the flash back should be put in between paragraphs cuz I got a lil confused reading it. Other than that to fix the grammar but his way of writing if one of the best I've seen... no kidding. Another thing is he should speak in present form instead of past. "He jumped" and "He jumps" could make a difference. Sometimes I notice he mixes them like I sometimes do too ^^


_________________
"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
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8 Re: the trap-3 on Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:51 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
ill keep that in mind 4 the next story n ill try to write the next story soon

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9 Re: the trap-3 on Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:52 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
can u guys give me some tips before i wirte the story

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10 Re: the trap-3 on Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:04 am

Nobody000

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Shinigami Taisho
Shinigami Taisho
on what do u want tips for I would say to write the story like for ex
the guy who is telling the story meaning like
youkai is running toward his destination and thinks to himself
youkai:"were im I goin"
sudenly youkai stops
youkay:"whats this"

well thats the best tip I can give and hop[e it helps.


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"fight the tears, With pretty smiles....and.....kiss the stars with me"


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11 Re: the trap-3 on Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:25 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
Before going on be sure on what's to happen on the chapters ahead of the next one or at least have something planned.

For example the next one could be they escaping and the others ahead would be they looking for something while still running away from those that captured them.

Later maybe they or (Youkai by himself) encounter with someone else that helps or he fights. And/or D. could know something Youkai most learn about... whatever it is she knows is something you have to think yourself, something that would continue the story, like that something he feels he's missing or something else...

Also the creature that was chasing after the girl could once more attack in other occations and maybe you would need to kill it or again it could be that something you need or holds information Youkai needs.

If you decide to have them escape, then try to make it seem like they chase after you even after you do manage to escape. Kinda like Lardyn will surely do and maybe Clash too. But have a whole chapter about it not something simple.

What I mostly do is think of new characters that I either fight or become allies with that have a background story of their own.

Try to name the places Youkai goes to, and all characters he deals with...

I hope that was of help...


_________________
"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
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12 Re: the trap-3 on Fri Feb 29, 2008 4:41 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
yea it was but before i write D's background i am goin to write a different story first

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13 Re: the trap-3 on Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:38 am

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
That's usually kinda what I do. If I don't write something else I try to write about stuff I have in my head that I want but I can't put in my story directly so suddenly and then I connect it to there. Kinda like the future battle Clash wrote. I don't really know why but I always end up changing everything at last minute since I write what I have in my head at the time and later forget if not all is written and I lose my train of thought. You would see I brainstorm alot ^^;


_________________
"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
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14 Re: the trap-3 on Mon Mar 03, 2008 2:28 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
oh

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15 Re: the trap-3 on Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:52 pm

Selfier

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
It is good, I wanted to read more but it is unfinish Sad... FINISH IT ALREADY!!

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16 Re: the trap-3 on Tue Mar 04, 2008 4:37 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
um it goes on to the next story the friend or foe one

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17 Re: the trap-3 on Tue Mar 04, 2008 6:48 pm

Selfier

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
yeah I kinda notice that after I read it.... sorry! Sad

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18 Re: the trap-3 on Wed Mar 05, 2008 5:46 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
uh besides u

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19 Re: the trap-3 on Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:10 pm

Shadow008

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Wata Leader
Wata Leader
I was kinda lost on which chap was after this one... can you try to number them plz?


_________________
"No creature is born with the sole purpose of dying." "Trust is an easy thing to destroy, but it can take a long time to built."


Half Elf: "What possible value does one burdened to exist with cursed blood have?... Sometimes running away is the one way to save yourself... Humans are so arrogant.

Do you have the dragon balls to do it?

I'm only human. I have the right to change my mind at any given moment without reason.
View user profile

20 Re: the trap-3 on Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:12 pm

youkai

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Flame Demon
yea sorry bout that

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